The Myth of “The Checklist”

By: Valini Sukhu

There’s an unspoken checklist of societal expectations that have permeated our lives. In our 20’s there’s a race to complete as many items as possible: Graduate, get a good job, buy a vehicle, find a partner, get engaged, buy a house, get married, have kids, maybe have a few more kids and it’s very important that you do these in order as much as possible. 

For many, completing your checklist before your peers or before you turn 30 drives so much of their lives. It doesn’t help when we have expectations from family, adding to the pressure to make sure you do things “the right way”. Throw in some shame and stigma that’s often associated with failure to reach some of those goals and you get an imaginary list that influences so much of our worth at a young age. 

Recently, the checklist has come up in conversations with many close friends, some of which are going through some big life changes—infertility, divorce, financial woes, friendship breakups to name a few. What stands out to me is how much the checklist imposes its expectations while we’re navigating complex life situations. What also stands out is that for many of these friends, they did do things “the right way” but life threw some curve balls instead. 

“I’m not where I’m supposed to be,” they’ll say—I’m here to tell you that the checklist is a lie. 

As someone who completed most of the checklist before 35, you’d think I should be satisfied. The reality is, life is so much more rich than the completion of the checklist and our identities are much more complex than the accomplishment of a few milestones.

As a woman, we can become succumbed by the checklist because we have a perceived biological clock that’s ticking. But what about when we’re done having children? Motherhood can be consuming and often, our identities become wrapped up as a provider. Your success as a person becomes transferred to your children and how well they meet the same checklist milestones—the cycle continues. 

That’s ultimately what the checklist is, a measure of success. A false one, that expects you to follow it or risk being ostracized and left behind. Within our West Indian culture, it’s a metric that’s used to judge others and allows well meaning parents, the inability to acknowledge the path less traveled even if it may bring their children happiness. 

Everything on the checklist can be undone. You could lose your job, your spouse could die, you could go through a divorce, you could not be able to have children or afford a house. I think if we use the checklist uncritically, we’re bound to lose opportunities for real connection and moments that can expand our world views. Knowing that this false measure of success can be taken away, the expectation should shift to humility. 

There is value in having these milestones, I think it drives ambition and provides stability for families. But I think as we age and we enter more nuanced life situations, we have to remember that wisdom often comes from struggle more than accomplishment. 

The next time you catch yourself saying, “I should be there by now”, remember that we’re all on our own journeys. Journeys with endless paths and can still be successful. Next time you hear the checklist come up, I challenge you to question it and embrace the aspects of your life that may not be as “big” but are a measure of your own personal success. It’s through those small moments that we begin to spread the message that the checklist is a myth.